HOME: A HEAVEN AWAY FROM HEAVEN

God in His/Her design wanted human beings to enjoy the heaven on this earth. It is the individuals who care for each other and share the experiences together that form a home. It is not the uniformity of ideas and ideals but the harmony of the members of the family that create a home.  You must have heard that earlier we had smaller houses and larger families, but now we have bigger houses and smaller families. It is a fact that there was a time that each member of the family felt obligated to the others in the family – it was not out of an attitude of duty, but out of love and concern.  The human beings, because of their sinful nature and individualistic attitudes, many a times move away from the design of God and make it a hell. The main reason for this is that we forget the basic principles of making a home.  We are living in a culture where money, power, position, beauty etc. are considered as priorities; whereas the mystery of a blessed marriage lies in mutual understanding, mutual appreciation and mutual acceptance between the members of the family.

Lack of acceptance of the other as other is the basic reason for breaking of marriages. We cannot expect wonders overnight where the bride and groom weld together – wedding is a welding of two individuals!  When two individuals are united in marriage and eagerly enter into married life, each partner has his or her own predispositions. It must have been created in their minds because of their past experiences – it must have come because of what they have seen, heard and read – may be from their own families, friends and books/articles.  Their character and attitude towards marriage is formed out of these. Both the partners have their own biases because of this.  An unlearning and then a new learning is what are needed to succeed in marriage.  A partner may be accustomed to getting up early in the morning whereas the other may be used to getting up at 8 am or even later; one may catch a head ache when he/she gets up early because of the habit of getting up late; one may prefer bed coffee and the other tea; one may have grown in families where the father controls whereas the other in family where the mother runs the home affairs. In order to have a blessed home set, mutual understanding is needed. Patience is part of the game of marriage and not blames game.  To re-word the title of a book by James Dobbson – Parenting is not for Cowards – I would say, marriage is not cowards.

For mutual acceptance, mutual appreciation is a must. How can we appreciate the other?  There is only one means for that - mutually understand. In order to mutually understand, a process of mutual exploration is needed.  The partners have to sit together and ask each other why they are doing what they are doing; is their room for change and how etc.. This shall take away the tendency to blame the other for the difference the partner sees in the other.  I have read somewhere an incident that took place in a train that started from a North Indian city.  As the evening set in, the people in a bogie were getting ready to sleep.  But their sleep was disturbed by a child who was crying loud.  The people in the bogie started grumbling, but the cry was becoming louder and louder as the time went by.  Grumbling gave way to cursing, screaming and shouting.  The father with whom the child was finally spoke with a sob that he wanted to control the child’s cry but could not.  He added that he was taking the child to Kerala to leave the child with his parents because his wife (the child’s mother) passed away and he cannot keep the child at his place of work. It is said the cursing and fuming stopped; a nursing mother took the child, breast-fed her and made her quiet.  After that the child was taken care of by everyone in the bogie and she became a pet of all.  As a pastor I have noticed that the unwillingness to explore each other and thereby understand each other and accept each other that damages the relationship. The ego, instead of self esteem plays the villain of the game of family life.

If the husband and wife can accept each other, the foundation of heaven on earth is put.  Then it is easy to build on it when the children arrive and it shall turn to be a heaven away from heaven.