EVERYTHING FOR OUR BETTERMENT

& NOT HARASSMENT

A church in London had rules that it would not employ anyone, without formal high school education. The old pastor was benign and not a stickler of rules. He allowed Alfred Dunhill (who lacked formal education) as the caretaker to clean the pews, sweep the floor and keep the podium spick and span. Dunhill had put off taking his high school examination till it became too late. Once the old pastor retired, he was replaced by a younger person who followed the rule book. As he came to know about the caretaker’s education, he issued a notice to him that either he should get a high school certificate in six months or he should resign.

Dunhill knew that you could not teach an old dog a new trick and that he had no option but to resign. He started out his afternoon stroll in deep thought and got into Bond Street. Suddenly, he felt an urge to smoke. He could not find a single tobacco shop on the entire street. He walked further down into a side street where he could purchase his cigarette. He came back to the busy Bond Street. He realized that a small cigarette shop in the street would be a sound business proposition.

He resigned at the church and started a small shop on Bond Street which prospered way beyond his expectations. He noticed that many of his customers were coming from the other side of the street. He started another shop on that side of Bond Street. The two shops multiplied to four and then sixteen. In three years, Alfred Dunhill Co. was a leading tobacconist in England. He started machine-rolling cigarettes and introduced his own brand of Dunhill cigarettes. In five years, he was a millionaire many over.  To ensure a consistent supply of tobacco, he entered into an annual purchase agreement with a couple of American tobacco farmers and went across to America to meet them.

It was a big boost for the American tobacco farmers and the contract signing ceremony was converted into a media circus, with a Senator and Governor participating. When the contracts were actually signed, Dunhill affixed his thumb impression because he had not learnt to sign his name. The Governor was impressed and said, “Well Sir! This is awesome. Even without a formal education you have achieved so much. Just imagine what you would have done if you had a formal education!” Dunhill’s characteristic often repeated reply was, “If I knew how to read and write, I would still be sweeping the church!”

I am not sure whether this story is true; but I personally know a person - just because he did not have a formal education enough to be absorbed in a factory, started off with taking the small maintenance work of the factory in the beginning and later became a leading contractor of the same company. He once told me, “If I had passed SSLC (Secondary School Leaving Certificate), I would have been a supervisor when I reach the age of retirement”. Main reasons for his achievement in life was clarity of his abilities, positive attitude, determination and willingness for hard work.

Remember whatever happens in our life is a plan for our Betterment and not for our Harassment, provided we have the above focus!

WHERE IS THE HUMAN RACE GOING?

          We are blessed with many things in the world; many things the previous generations couldn’t even dream of, but, we are cursed not to see the giver of those blessings.  The self-indulging events that are happening around even by the people who are ‘religious’ is a proof enough for the above statement.  Many blessings are seen as tools for hedonism, licentious and permissive lives.    

          Children are the future of any country. If they are not nurtured to promote ethical values, the future of the country is doomed. If so, the news that comes from various corners of the earth are as hopeful as it ought to be. If we can believe the information that come in the mass media, the major perpetrator of the riotous kind of behavior of the new generation comes through the visual media like movies, TV channels’ serials. Though it is not the sole perpetrator, it plays a major role in the behavior pattern of the younger generation. Even the TV channels that are meant for children, leave alone the channel serials that depicts violence, extra marital and pre-marital relationships, has ‘super-human’ and mischievous characters and the young minds are polluted by these kinds of depictions. The parents do not have time or forget to teach their children the moral values to be upheld in their lives. Isn’t it true that many parents are helpless before their teenage and young children? Isn’t it true that in many homes it is the children who control their parents? Am I exaggerating if I say that many parents fear their children? They know how to bargain on their parents and get what they want. One day the parents of a teenage boy came to me with bruised faces and said that their son wanted a high power bike and when they declined to buy it for him, he thrashed them. He was only seventeen at that time and the educated parents knew that he is not supposed to ride a geared bike; but who wants to hear that? His argument was that his friends have it and hence he also needs it. The children are least bothered about the source of income of their parents – they see, they like and they want; period; nothing else. For these kinds of children whatever they see around is meant for ‘their enjoyment’ and they are least bothered about what happens to others because of their misbehavior.

Since the children are not groomed with a sense of morality, they do not find any fault in indulging in any kind of misbehavior. One day a young man came to me to tell that a girl in my parish was married to him through civil marriage. He produced the certificate of marriage also. To make the story short, he was working with an oil company and he was off duty for three months after three or four months of work. They used to be together whenever he comes to India and she used to siphon off his sentiments by asking costly items. I was surprised to hear it since I knew that she lived in her home with her parents. Finally I found that she used to go with him convincing her parents that she is going on study tour or visiting her friends in another town.

Many a children know that even if they do some mischief even to the level of fatal hurting on others, their parents will come to their rescue.  The helpless and hapless parents shall be willing even to sell everything in order to ‘save’ their children from the knot they are tangled. Isn’t it high time to stop, stare and ask, “Where are we going?”

(I am not generalizing that all the teenagers and youths are spoilt; there are many responsible and sensible youths in this generation who show concern and are considerate. I shall write about them in another post.)

STOP REACTING, START RESPONDING

In addition to what I have written in a post a couple of weeks ago titled: TO PREPARE AND PREVENT IS BETTER THAN TO REPAIR AND REPENT, I share this titled ‘the philosophy of the cockroach’ to my readers.

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.

Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky. The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but …it landed on another lady in the group. Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue. In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter. The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the movement of the cockroach on his shirt. At the opportune juncture, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Was the cockroach responsible for the edgy behavior inside the restaurant? Of course yes. It was the cockroach and the eerie feeling that it generates that caused such commotion. If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed? He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos. Please note: it was not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that distressed them. 

Therefore, it is not the ‘irritating’ behavior of my son, daughter, brother, sister or my wife (the list can go on with any number of people that annoys us) that disturbs me, but it’s my inability to handle the turbulence caused by their disturbance. It’s not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the annoyance caused by the traffic jam.

The Bottom-line is that more than the problem, it is the uncontrolled reaction to the problem that creates chaos in our lives. The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded. Thus, do not react in life, but always respond. Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of, poised and save a situation from going out of hands. Thus, to avoid cracks in relationship, to avoid taking decisions in anger or anxiety, to avoid stress or hurry, to have a calm personality……stop reacting, start responding.

HOW CAN WE BE ACHIEVERS?

Many a times, we envy people who are famous achievers, but we never realize that their becoming famous have a couple of prerequisites, that is, a dream (idea) and hard work to chase the dream.   You ask anyone who have come out with flying colors in any examinations, in any national and international sports and games events, in any field for that matter, they will share the fact they had a dream or desire and they perspired to achieve it.

The people in this genre accumulate a fortune through the application of the same principles that are available to all of us. We envy them without ever thinking or studying their philosophy and appropriating it to our own use. We look at a successful person at the hour of his/her triumph and not when he/she was struggling.

Dream is the beginning of all successful achievements. There are lots of us who want money but we don’t know how to earn it. That is because we have not bothered to discover ourselves, our talents, abilities, skills which are lying dormant. Once you arouse them, experiment with them, play with them, you will know how to use them. Just as we build a check-dam to hold the natural flow of water, we put  blocks on our dreams:  They can be classified as:

1.     Making Excuses:  You look at any successful person and you will find that they will always look for possibilities and never find excuses not to chase their dreams.  They will never put blame on others for their failures. They will never justify their poor choices.

2.   Fearing Failure: They will be expecting failures on their way to success and hence shall not be disappointed when failure comes.  They are aware that failure is not the end of the road – it is one step on the road to success. Too many people run into a tiny bit of failure, and they think they’re done forever. They give up immediately, never realizing how close they were to achieving their goals.

3.   Beating Yourself Up:  Successful people don’t beat themselves up. They understand that taking their anger out on themselves only push their goals farther away. They still get upset, but they channel those emotions into constructive energy. They use that energy as jet fuel to reach their goals.

The truth about success is that you’re closer than you think. Sometimes all it takes is tearing down the floodgates, so you can let your dreams pour in. Never give up, but persevere and perspire. You shall be a high flier.

TO PREPARE AND PREVENT 

IS BETTER THAN TO REPAIR AND REPENT

“To prepare and prevent is better than to repair and repent” is a billboard in the campus of CMC (Christian Medical College), Vellore (courtesy to the FB post of Rev. Viji Varghese Eapen). I thought it is worth sharing with my readers. Though it is meant mainly to caution the patients to maintain their health, it is true with our manners.

Before we utter a word when we are agitated inside; before we do something when we are hurt, we are to learn to control our wounded emotions.  We must be aware of the difference between reaction and response.  Many a times we react, but we have to learn to respond to all kinds of situations.  A reaction is typically quick, without much thought, tense and aggressive. Reaction, without thinking leads to destruction. A response is thought out, calm and non-threatening.  A reaction typically provokes more reactions – perpetuating a long line of hatefulness with nothing accomplished.  A response typically provokes discussion – perpetuating healthy discussion (debate even) that leads to resolution.

"Quench the Spark" (also translated as "A Spark Neglected Burns the House") is a short story by Leo Tolstoy highlighting the virtues of reconciliation. The story opens with the family of Ivan; a generally harmonious family that does rather well for itself. They were on good terms with their neighbors, the family of Gabriel, until one day when a hen that belonged to the Ivan’s family flew into the yard of the Gabriel family and laid several eggs. Later that day, Ivan's daughter in law went to retrieve the eggs, but grandmother of Gabriel takes offense at being accused of stealing. A huge uproar ensues that embroils every member of each family. Against the advice of the family elders to seek quick reconciliation, the families bring cases against each other in court, and they blame each other for every little mishap that happens to befall them. Every accusation makes the enmity grow, the children learn from the example of their parents, and the feud goes on for six years.

The elders urge for the families to forget their differences, but the feud continues. A drunken Gabriel strikes one of Ivan's daughters-in-law, and Ivan eventually sees to it that he is sentenced to flogging. Gabriel is shocked, and he curses his neighbor. The magistrate urges the two to reconcile, but Gabriel refuses.

Ivan eventually begins to feel sorry for Gabriel, but he refuses to see his own wrongdoing in the quarrel. Ivan's father urges him to reconcile, and to stop wasting his time and money going to court, and to stop setting a bad example for his family. Ivan still refuses to reconcile.

Eventually Gabriel sets Ivan's house on fire. No neighbors will help Ivan save his belongings, and eventually the fire overtakes Gabriel's house as well. Ivan's father was burned in the fire, and, on his deathbed, Ivan's father asks his son whose fault the fire was. Ivan finally realizes that it was his fault, and asks forgiveness from his father and from God. His father urges Ivan never to tell that it was Gabriel that had set the fire, and Ivan agrees.

Gabriel and Ivan again became good friends, and their families lived together as their houses were rebuilt. The families then go on to become more prosperous than ever, all for following the elders' advice: to quench a spark before it becomes a fire.

As someone has rightly said:

Reaction is quick whereas response takes time.

Reaction is emotion-filled whereas response removes all emotion.

Reaction is often aggressive whereas response allows for assertiveness without aggression.

Reaction snowballs into unnecessary and prolonged periods of discontent and disagreement whereas response resolves conflict quickly.

When we react, we are giving away our power. When we respond, we are staying in control of ourselves. It is better to   prepare and prevent than to repair and repent.